But I am powerless to stop it, just like I was powerless to stop my uncle. I did not choose to be there, but now I am there forever in pictures that people are using to do sick things. It hurts me to know someone is looking at them-at me-when I was just a little girl being abused for the camera. Sometimes I just go into staring spells when I am caught thinking about what happened and not paying any attention to my surroundings.Įveryday of my life I live in constant fear that someone will see my pictures and recognize me, and that I will be humiliated all over again. Thinking about it is still really painful. For a long time I practiced putting the terrible memories away in my mind. There is a lot I don’t remember, but now I can’t forget, because the disgusting images of what he did to me are still out there on the internet. Now, I will never ride on a motorcycle again as the memories are too upsetting. It’s like I can never get away from what happened to me.Īt the time I was confused, and knew it was wrong and that I didn’t like it, but I also thought it was wrong for me to tell anything bad about my uncle, who said he loved me and bought me things. Even now when I eat beef jerky I get feelings of panic, guilt, and humiliation. And I remember the pictures.Īfter the abuse he would take me to buy my favorite snack which was beef jerky.
I remember that much of the time I was with him, I did not have clothes on and that sometimes he made me dress up in lingerie. I remember that he tried to have sex with me and that it hurt even more. I remember that he put his finger in my vagina and that it hurt a lot. He used what I now know are the commonways that abusers get their victims ready for abuse and keep them silent: he told me that I was special, that he loved me, and that we had our own “special secrets.” Since he lived close to our house, my mother and father didn’t suspect anything when I walked over there to spend time with him.Īt first he showed me pornographic movies and then he started doing things to me. My uncle started to abuse me when I was only four years old. I am still discovering all the ways that the abuse and exploitation I suffered has hurt me, has set my life on the wrong course, and destroyed the normal childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood that every one deserves. I am a 19 year-old girl and I am a victim of child sexual abuse and child sexual abuse material (CSAM).
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